[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
You Might Also Like
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
i was baptized in a car wash
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Van Gone
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
B