That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
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[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
I think the cat got the dog high.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.