there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
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‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Found my door mat
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind