The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
You Might Also Like
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.