Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
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Dress for the job you want to sleep at
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.