When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
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Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.