Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
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Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.