Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
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no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
I didn’t come here to be called names
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Breaking news:
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”