Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
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Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
It be like that sometimes 😆
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts