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This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Human are so complicated
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Easy enough.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.