Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
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Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.