Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
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Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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。
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Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Ooh I do like a good funnel