detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
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god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary