WHAT SIGN IS SHE
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♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?