doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
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[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.