Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
You Might Also Like
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
2022 will be better than 2021
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.