me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
You Might Also Like
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
monday
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.