Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
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[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I just love that new Pope smell.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
We take our 40% off sale seriously at