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Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.