Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
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I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard