Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
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Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what