Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
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A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…