[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
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to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I remember when things only cost an arm.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.