My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
You Might Also Like
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!