[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
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Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
#polloftheday
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.