ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
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My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.