I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
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cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Does anything good ever escape from a lab