I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
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Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.