If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
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Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Got him!
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car