I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
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An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.