Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
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Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?