Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
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Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Huge, if true.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
How do you like your Corgi?
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
If you breakdance you buy dance.