People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
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Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.