let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
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giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
whenever i wake up before my alarm
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Breaking news:
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.