He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
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Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
This is me 🤣🤣
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Air conditioning – not a fan
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish