[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
You Might Also Like
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Weirdly Wednesday.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.