McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
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heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.