ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
You Might Also Like
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
There is wisdom there.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
My wedding will be open casket.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights