i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
My work here is don’t.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
welcome back
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Stop sending me this shit.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
OH. COME. ON.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa