Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
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Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.