I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
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What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.