ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
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torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.