How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
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Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
This pepper has seen some shit
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me