my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
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Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Mornin
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
If only
choose your fighter(holiday edition)