I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
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Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Oh my God.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.