Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
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boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?