“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
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My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。