I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
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[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this