I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
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Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Lmao 🤣
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.