Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
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Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway